"Do you love her?" "Yeah, when she's quiet."

At the time of writing I am in a relationship.

This isn't really a rant about my girlfriend (because if it were I'd never get any ever again) it's really just about me adjusting to having to deal with someone who isn't forced to like me (like my family) after being the coolest uncool bachelor for around a year.

One thing I'm trying to get used to is not always doing whatever I want whenever I want.


Before, I had a cell phone that I used mainly to tweet and navigate to various houses of ill repute with. It would sit in the corner, muted, like an abused stepchild and charge all day. Right next to the kid I was babysitting at the time.

Now, I text her, call her, send her pictures of funny words on breakfast menus, the usual stuff. The only problem is I get easily distracted by shiny things. Like TV when I'm playing Xbox. I tried talking to her AND playing Xbox, but she just wasn't into it. I guess me talking to Commander Shepard more than her was annoying. Whatever bitch.

Before, I could play Rock Band/Guitar Hero whenever I damn well pleased.

Now, I hear things like " I think I need an ambulance.. CAN YOU TURN THAT THING OFF?!"

I'd never say that to her if she were doing something women love to do, like vacuuming.

Speaking of vacuums, those things are always so loud, its like the day is split into two parts: When the vacuum is on, and when the vacuum finally gets turned off. And whatever you're doing during the time when it's on is ruined. All you can do is wait until it finally shuts up, and while you're waiting you start to imagine how awesome what you were doing is going to be without the vacuum there to interrupt. It's human nature. Here's an example

"Man! I can't wait to see what kind of crazy shenanigans Matthew McConaughey got into this time!"

*Vacuum starts*

"Ugh! now I have to pause this.. I bet this movie is gonna be so awesome, I bet it's gonna be nothing like Surfer, Dude or How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days, or Failure to Launch. That had Sarah Jessica Parker in it though..so its not fair to judge him for.. EW EW SARAH JESSICA PARKER! BAD THOUGHT! BAD THOUGHT!"

*Vacuum stops*

"I can't get Sarah Jessica Parker out of my mind. I'm going to put a gun in my mouth now."

A terrified wife, girlfriend, clean freak roommate or anyone else who might have lived with you find a piece of paper in your hand, a gun in the other. Its obvious you've killed yourself and left a note. They extend a shaky hand and read this:

To Whom It May Concern;

Sarah Jessica Parker is responsible for my death. I knew it would be her from the moment her beady eyes pierced my soul through my TV screen. Even now she haunts me in my minds eye laughing maniacally like the witches she so closely resembles.

Goodbye cruel world.

Seriously, Sarah Jessica Parker is the worst.