"Do you love her?" "Yeah, when she's quiet."

At the time of writing I am in a relationship.

This isn't really a rant about my girlfriend (because if it were I'd never get any ever again) it's really just about me adjusting to having to deal with someone who isn't forced to like me (like my family) after being the coolest uncool bachelor for around a year.

One thing I'm trying to get used to is not always doing whatever I want whenever I want.


Before, I had a cell phone that I used mainly to tweet and navigate to various houses of ill repute with. It would sit in the corner, muted, like an abused stepchild and charge all day. Right next to the kid I was babysitting at the time.

Now, I text her, call her, send her pictures of funny words on breakfast menus, the usual stuff. The only problem is I get easily distracted by shiny things. Like TV when I'm playing Xbox. I tried talking to her AND playing Xbox, but she just wasn't into it. I guess me talking to Commander Shepard more than her was annoying. Whatever bitch.

Before, I could play Rock Band/Guitar Hero whenever I damn well pleased.

Now, I hear things like " I think I need an ambulance.. CAN YOU TURN THAT THING OFF?!"

I'd never say that to her if she were doing something women love to do, like vacuuming.

Speaking of vacuums, those things are always so loud, its like the day is split into two parts: When the vacuum is on, and when the vacuum finally gets turned off. And whatever you're doing during the time when it's on is ruined. All you can do is wait until it finally shuts up, and while you're waiting you start to imagine how awesome what you were doing is going to be without the vacuum there to interrupt. It's human nature. Here's an example

"Man! I can't wait to see what kind of crazy shenanigans Matthew McConaughey got into this time!"

*Vacuum starts*

"Ugh! now I have to pause this.. I bet this movie is gonna be so awesome, I bet it's gonna be nothing like Surfer, Dude or How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days, or Failure to Launch. That had Sarah Jessica Parker in it though..so its not fair to judge him for.. EW EW SARAH JESSICA PARKER! BAD THOUGHT! BAD THOUGHT!"

*Vacuum stops*

"I can't get Sarah Jessica Parker out of my mind. I'm going to put a gun in my mouth now."

A terrified wife, girlfriend, clean freak roommate or anyone else who might have lived with you find a piece of paper in your hand, a gun in the other. Its obvious you've killed yourself and left a note. They extend a shaky hand and read this:

To Whom It May Concern;

Sarah Jessica Parker is responsible for my death. I knew it would be her from the moment her beady eyes pierced my soul through my TV screen. Even now she haunts me in my minds eye laughing maniacally like the witches she so closely resembles.

Goodbye cruel world.

Seriously, Sarah Jessica Parker is the worst.

Commercial Breakdown: The Criss Angel Mindfreak Magic Kit

The commercial starts with women screaming in fear. (more on that in a minute) then we see a man floating.
mind you that this is all before you have any idea what's being sold to you, then it's revealed to be a magic kit and we see some kids saying things like "THIS IS AWESOME!" and "THESE ARE THE BEST TRICKS EVER!" and that's all fine. I'm not going to waste your time on the kids and the magic set, there's a reason I'm writing this..

skip to 0:43 and you'll see why those poor women were screaming.

"Its the best ice breaker!" he says. Ice breaker, OR DISTRACTION?!

Why is that creep surrounded by women? I'm going to assume his name is Roofie Jones, and he's going to rape all those girls. I mean, he's already a magician, that means he knows some slight of hand, like slipping something into your drink.

Here's what'd happen if the police ever found this guy

"Problem Officer?"

"License and registration please."

*Roofie Jones hands the Officer a wallet, the Officer is stunned to see his own license being handed to him*

"What the.. how did you do that?!"

"Oh, just something I picked up from my buddy, y'know.. Criss Angel"

"You know him?!"

"Sure do, I can show you a few tricks if you want, I'm not in a hurry"

BAM. Roofie Jones got away. Again. So there you have it, The Criss Angel "Mindfreak" magic set is helping this monster take advantage of young women everywhere, helping him make enough friends that no one would believe it's him, and keeping the police off his back.


You know what? I'm going to buy of those damn things right now.

Christmas at my house

I don't know about you guys, but Christmas is kind of a big deal to my family. Mainly because we get to see the extended family that are usually very busy during the rest of the year.

My Cousins, Drew and Matt.

By busy I meant usually doing hard time for stabbing someone in the eye and going to business school.

Anyway, after all the presents were open, and all of the food was gone so was my extended family. It felt good to see them, as always I look forward to next year but I couldn't help but think to myself  " I feel sorry for the Jews" We only have one day of being surrounded by the people we love and had to buy presents for, they have eight. Sheesh. Poor guys are surrounded by other Jews who don't want to pay for decent gifts like a TV or gravy bowl or Shamwow.

Anyway, what I'm really trying to say is that I'm just happy the holidays are over.

...unless you're black! Happy Kwanza!